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3 Decades of Disappointment

A few weeks ago, I sat in front of the doctor at family planning and talked with her about what I wanted. It felt so obvious and my thoughts were so clear. I felt so good being there taking the next step toward my future. We talked a bit about mental health and, when asked, I admitted that I had been hospitalized 10 yrs ago after a suicide attempt. She looked at me and said, "I'm glad you are still here." And for the first time in my life I meant it when I said, "me too." Every now and then, life has thrown glitter at me and made things sparkle so I would think that maybe life was getting better. Some times, it has even dangled a little gift in front of me and then ripped it from my grasp the moment I reached out to touch it. That day was one of those kind of moments.  The last several days have been an absolute rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. I'm liking the way I look in the mirror more every day. But the more I embrace my masculinity, the more othe
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Attraction

Attraction is a complicated thing for me. Normally, I meet someone and as I get to know them, I find them more and more attractive. Because of this, I have dated all over the looks spectrum. Tall, short, big, small, dark, light, male, female, younger, older, etc. Maybe a handful of times, i have looked at someone that is so physically attractive to me, that I find myself staring.  More often than not, I date men. The reason for this is partially because of where I live. Another reason is that I find confidence very attractive and there is nothing more intimidating to me than a confident a woman.  The other night I was out at karaoke with friends. I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. I immediately turned my head in her direction to see what exactly caught my eye. I can't even begin to tell you what was being talked about at our table at that moment because all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. I spent the rest of the evening trying not to stare. I tried to pay att

One Year Ago

One year ago you came into my life. You were everything I thought I wanted. But I wasn't what you wanted. Unfortunately, it took you 5 months to tell me and another 4 to get out of my life. I kept hoping that your heart would change your mind.  How naive was I to think someone like you could possibly love someone like me?  How did I make it to 42 years old still believing in unconditional love? How did I make it through 2 divorces still believing in forever love? How did I survive 3.5 years of being used by strangers and still believe that someone could possibly want more from me than sex? Maybe those questions don't even matter. Maybe the better question is if I ever stop loving you, will I still be able to believe in unconditional, forever love. This morning, I woke up thinking of you. Throughout the day, you were never far from my mind. I know I'll still be thinking about you when I fall asleep tonight.  That's how it has been for the last week. Watching today coming

Rollercoasters

Some rollercoasters have a lot of twist and turns. Some have higher highs that are followed by those sudden drops that make you feel like you can't breath. Others have the crazy loops that turn you upside down and have you holding on with every bit of strength you have. Life is a rollercoaster. My life has been one of the crazier ones. The kind of rollercoaster that has the rider hoping that the end is near but not quite ready to bail out by themselves. Occassionally, I even hope that one of the mechanics will inform me that there is systemic rust and there is nothing we can do except wait for the rollercoaster to completely shut itself down. Surprisingly, today is not one of those days. For most of my life, I have tried pretending to be something I am not. What that something is has changed a few times to suit the people in my life. I thought that if I acted a certain way and said the right things, that someone would finally love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, I was not able t

Perspective

I had an interesting conversation recently with Mr. Perfect-for-me. I asked him if he thought that we argued often. I’m not sure why this question popped into my head or why I let it slip out of my mouth, but once it was out, there was no taking it back. The specific details of the conversation don’t matter. However, I learned just how different our ideas were about what an “argument” looks like. It made me wonder about how others define “argument” and how they feel about arguing. When you Google “argument,” the definition you receive seems straightforward. However, differing life experiences can alter each person’s perspective of the same interaction. This results in us having very differing views on whether the interaction was a positive or negative one. I wonder how often this happens to other people. Not just in romantic relationships, but also in families, friendships, workplace relationships, and even when we are interacting with strangers. It is incredibly interesting to me

It Takes a Village

Family can be defined so many ways. When you Google it, you get a wide range of definitions that are inclusive of that fact that way families look has changed over the years. Here are some of them: a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. all the descendants of a common ancestor. a group of people united in criminal activity. a group of related things. a group of curves or surfaces obtained by varying the value of a constant in the equation generating them. designed to be suitable for children as well as adults In my life, family has always been a complicated thing. There were the people I was related to by blood. The people I was related to by marriage. The people I am related to by law. The people I choose to have in my life. In the last few years, my family has changed significantly, and for the better. Today is National Step Family Day. Although my son doesn't officially have any step parents, he is lucky to have 2 wonderful people in his lif

Three Months

 Another month has flown by. This time it was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I have had some things going on in my life that have had me frazzled. When frazzled, I tend to unravel a bit and sometimes I unravel a lot. Life had been lobbing lemons at me for awhile now. That isn’t news to anyone that knows me well. Sometimes instead of lobbing them, they load them into a pitching machine and aim it directly at my head. Last month, a particularly juicy lemon was sent speeding my way. I tried to catch it. I tried to block it. I tried getting out of the way. Unfortunately, it hit me square in the head and I have spent the last couple weeks reeling. Mr. Perfect-for-me has been amazing through it all. He listens to me talk (almost non-stop) as I process everything. And more importantly, when I’m overwhelmed with emotions and can’t talk, he just holds me while I hurt. He doesn’t give me advice unless I ask for it. He doesn’t make useless suggestions like “just stop worrying.” He is patient an