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One Year Ago

One year ago you came into my life. You were everything I thought I wanted. But I wasn't what you wanted. Unfortunately, it took you 5 months to tell me and another 4 to get out of my life. I kept hoping that your heart would change your mind. How naive was I to think someone like you could possibly love someone like me? 

How did I make it to 42 years old still believing in unconditional love? How did I make it through 2 divorces still believing in forever love? How did I survive 3.5 years of being used by strangers and still believe that someone could possibly want more from me than sex?

Maybe those questions don't even matter. Maybe the better question is if I ever stop loving you, will I still be able to believe in unconditional, forever love.

This morning, I woke up thinking of you. Throughout the day, you were never far from my mind. I know I'll still be thinking about you when I fall asleep tonight.  That's how it has been for the last week. Watching today coming up on the calendar has been absolute torture. Every time I thought of today, my eyes would fill with tears and my heart would break a little more.

Over the last few weeks I've gotten some potentially not so great news from both my PCP and my gynecologist. More tests to come before we know for sure. But every time i think about having to go through all this without you, my heart breaks a little more.

I have a half dozen things planned for this summer. Things I think you'd really enjoy. Things that I know will make me think of you while I'm doing them. And my heart is breaking just writing about it.

I dont know how long it's going to take to stop feeling this way. Right now I'm not sure I ever will. Everything in my house reminds me of you. When I drive downtown I think of you. When I look at the water I think of you. So many foods make me think of you. I don't know how to stop loving you when I can't stop thinking of you.

I've made lists of the reasons why things wouldn't have worked out for us. I've made lists of all the things about me you don't like. I've made lists of the few things that I didn't love about you. Looking at those lists doesn't help at all. Because none of it seems like the sorts of things that a lot of love and a little compromise couldn't fix. 

There is only one insurmountable thing:

You don't love me.

So now I get to spend every day trying to stop thinking about you so I can try to stop loving you. And I hate that I have to but I don't have a choice. Because my heart can only bleed for so long before it will stop pumping for good.

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