Skip to main content

Craving Misbehaving

Quite a few years ago, I wrote a blog post with this same title. Back then, I would crave misbehaving as a break from trying to keep it all together. I spent decades trying to be the “right” person. Mostly I just faked it and when I ran out of energy, the real me came exploding out into the world. I think that some people in my life back then didn’t like the real me very much.

During the pandemic, I spent a lot of time alone. I know that many people did. But early on, I didn’t handle the alone time well. I really struggled to be alone with my own thoughts. I struggled to be nice to myself and I struggled to tell other people just how terrible I was feeling. I tried a few times to reach out to someone, but it was dismissed because “we are all struggling right now”. While I don’t doubt that statement, I do feel like those that said it to me really didn’t understand what I meant.

Most of my life I have felt like people don’t understand me. For the most part, they don’t even realize they don’t understand. It appears most people go through life interacting with others as if all our brains work the same. I think that if we could find a way to truly compare them, we would find that brains are as unique as fingerprints.

What I do know is that my brain works very differently than many people in my life. Throughout my life, I have shared pieces of myself with people and the majority of feedback I have gotten is that the way I think is flawed. For decades, I believed that. Now I know better. Now I know that different does not mean wrong. But I also know that just because its not wrong, doesn’t mean it’s right.

I am an ever-evolving human being. I don’t really want to be misbehaving. I figured out that I don’t do well when my life feels stagnant. I crave change. I need to be around other people that are also ever evolving. I like to be challenged in my career and in my personal life. Sometimes it feels good to settle in for a while but when life gets too predictable, I get antsy. The longer that I ignore that, the more I crave a big change. I crave something extreme and/or intense.

Over the last few weeks, I have struggled because there are a lot of unknowns in my life. Because of those unknowns, I find myself feeling like things are stagnant. There can’t be forward motion without a plan and you can’t make a plan when you don’t have all the information. This is especially hard when planning for the future requires the input of more than 1 person. People don’t always move at the same pace as others in their life. That doesn’t mean they don’t both have the same destination in mind, but it can make the process of getting there more challenging.

I’m not sure how to get through this phase in my life. But I know that I will because I always do. I have 3 goals in mind for when I do:

  1. I will be a better mother.
  2. I will be a better friend.
  3. I will have the right partner by my side

Until then, I will remind myself daily that just because I can’t feel the breeze in my hair as I rush toward the future, doesn’t mean my life is stagnant. I will work to enjoy the here and now. I will strive to appreciate each day as it comes.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It Takes a Village

Family can be defined so many ways. When you Google it, you get a wide range of definitions that are inclusive of that fact that way families look has changed over the years. Here are some of them: a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. all the descendants of a common ancestor. a group of people united in criminal activity. a group of related things. a group of curves or surfaces obtained by varying the value of a constant in the equation generating them. designed to be suitable for children as well as adults In my life, family has always been a complicated thing. There were the people I was related to by blood. The people I was related to by marriage. The people I am related to by law. The people I choose to have in my life. In the last few years, my family has changed significantly, and for the better. Today is National Step Family Day. Although my son doesn't officially have any step parents, he is lucky to have 2 wonderful people in his lif...
Post a Comment
Read more

Gender Neutral Bathrooms

As the world continues to argue about whether it is necessary to have private bathrooms or gender neutral bathrooms in public places, people want to argue that we should keep things the same and everyone should use the bathroom for the sex listed on their birth certificate. They forget that people like me exist. When I'm out in public and need to use the bathroom, I have to decide whether I'm going to take a chance that I might upset the people in the men's bathroom or the women's bathroom.  I know that strangers are often confused about my gender.  Having lived as a feminine woman for many years, I'm very aware of how nervous women get around men they dont know, especially in spaces they arent expecting to see them.  I'm also aware that if a man is uncomfortable with me being in a space he feels is for "men only" that there is a chance that I will be assaulted.  What is more important, the discomfort of women or my own safety? You might be...
Post a Comment
Read more

Three Months

 Another month has flown by. This time it was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I have had some things going on in my life that have had me frazzled. When frazzled, I tend to unravel a bit and sometimes I unravel a lot. Life had been lobbing lemons at me for awhile now. That isn’t news to anyone that knows me well. Sometimes instead of lobbing them, they load them into a pitching machine and aim it directly at my head. Last month, a particularly juicy lemon was sent speeding my way. I tried to catch it. I tried to block it. I tried getting out of the way. Unfortunately, it hit me square in the head and I have spent the last couple weeks reeling. Mr. Perfect-for-me has been amazing through it all. He listens to me talk (almost non-stop) as I process everything. And more importantly, when I’m overwhelmed with emotions and can’t talk, he just holds me while I hurt. He doesn’t give me advice unless I ask for it. He doesn’t make useless suggestions like “just stop worrying.” He is patien...
Post a Comment
Read more