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Craving Misbehaving

Quite a few years ago, I wrote a blog post with this same title. Back then, I would crave misbehaving as a break from trying to keep it all together. I spent decades trying to be the “right” person. Mostly I just faked it and when I ran out of energy, the real me came exploding out into the world. I think that some people in my life back then didn’t like the real me very much.

During the pandemic, I spent a lot of time alone. I know that many people did. But early on, I didn’t handle the alone time well. I really struggled to be alone with my own thoughts. I struggled to be nice to myself and I struggled to tell other people just how terrible I was feeling. I tried a few times to reach out to someone, but it was dismissed because “we are all struggling right now”. While I don’t doubt that statement, I do feel like those that said it to me really didn’t understand what I meant.

Most of my life I have felt like people don’t understand me. For the most part, they don’t even realize they don’t understand. It appears most people go through life interacting with others as if all our brains work the same. I think that if we could find a way to truly compare them, we would find that brains are as unique as fingerprints.

What I do know is that my brain works very differently than many people in my life. Throughout my life, I have shared pieces of myself with people and the majority of feedback I have gotten is that the way I think is flawed. For decades, I believed that. Now I know better. Now I know that different does not mean wrong. But I also know that just because its not wrong, doesn’t mean it’s right.

I am an ever-evolving human being. I don’t really want to be misbehaving. I figured out that I don’t do well when my life feels stagnant. I crave change. I need to be around other people that are also ever evolving. I like to be challenged in my career and in my personal life. Sometimes it feels good to settle in for a while but when life gets too predictable, I get antsy. The longer that I ignore that, the more I crave a big change. I crave something extreme and/or intense.

Over the last few weeks, I have struggled because there are a lot of unknowns in my life. Because of those unknowns, I find myself feeling like things are stagnant. There can’t be forward motion without a plan and you can’t make a plan when you don’t have all the information. This is especially hard when planning for the future requires the input of more than 1 person. People don’t always move at the same pace as others in their life. That doesn’t mean they don’t both have the same destination in mind, but it can make the process of getting there more challenging.

I’m not sure how to get through this phase in my life. But I know that I will because I always do. I have 3 goals in mind for when I do:

  1. I will be a better mother.
  2. I will be a better friend.
  3. I will have the right partner by my side

Until then, I will remind myself daily that just because I can’t feel the breeze in my hair as I rush toward the future, doesn’t mean my life is stagnant. I will work to enjoy the here and now. I will strive to appreciate each day as it comes.

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