Still Broken

Those of you that follow my blog, know that I was pretty confident that I had totally screwed up a good thing. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Basically, I had a total melt down and showed my crazy. Instead of walking away, he said, "I'll be there at 7." And since then I have mentioned "my man" a few times on Facebook. 

I had someone message me to tell me that they are glad that I will finally be happy. I had another one message me to tell me I shouldn't let my happiness rely so heavily on someone else.

Why do people think they know me well enough to make either of those assumptions? And more importantly, why do people think its their place to provide me with their opinion when I haven't asked for it? 

If there is one thing I have learned about people in my 39 years, it is that most people don't bother to tell other people what they are thinking. That means that if 2 people took the time to message me, LOTS more are thinking one or the other of these things. This is where some of my readers will start shaking their head and say to themselves, "Who cares what other people think?"

I have mentioned several times that one of the reason why I write this blog is to help me process my thoughts. Another reason that I write this blog, is to help people understand the way I think. There are so many different types of people in this world and I am just one of them, My hope is that sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world can help people to better understand that not everyone is like them. Sometimes, when communicating with others, we need to take the time to consider that.

I care what other people think. That doesn't mean that I make life changing decisions based solely on other people's opinions. It means I take the time to see things from other people's perspectives. Looking at things from multiple angles helps me to make better decisions. In cases where a decision doesn't need to be made, it helps me to keep a realistic perspective on how my life is progressing.

I have spent a lot of time over the years in therapy. I have had a lot of appointments with social workers, psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioners. I have had family therapy, couples counseling, individual and group therapy, both in and outpatient. One of the tough things about the mental health field is that in my experience, the diagnosis and even sometimes the treatments aren't always discussed with the patient. In my experience, providers either talk at the patient or they ask a lot of questions and never really have much conversation.

In the last 10 years, I have had to fight with providers to get them to share with me their thoughts and opinions about me. Recently, I was lucky enough to have a social worker that was honest with me. She shared some of my past records with me and openly discussed my previous providers opinions about me with me.

There is one thing that she shared with me that has helped me more than anything else that anyone else has ever said or done. She told me that my ability to see things from other people's perspectives was the thing that was going to save me. Then she went on to say that when I find that I am beginning to lose myself in a downward cycle of overthinking and obsessing with my perceived failures, that I need to reach out to others and ask for their perspective on my life. I am supposed to get opinions from as many people as I feel comfortable with. Then I am supposed to use that information to gain a better perspective of my own situation. It helps. It helps a lot.

Will being with this man make me happy? Sort of. I am happier when I am with him and my time with him gives me a break from myself. 

Am I relying heavily on someone else for my happiness? No. I am not relying on him to make me happy. I am just enjoying the good times I get to have with him. 

One of the things that I have known about myself for a very long time, is that I am not good for myself. Being alone gives me too much time to overthink and obsess about things that other people wouldn't even think twice about. Another thing that I know about myself, is that physical touch is incredibly important to my mental health.

Do I need more than 2 reasons to want this man in my life? Nope. But do I have more? Sure do. Am I going to share them all with you? Absolutely not but if you want know more, read my previous blog. I want to talk about the biggest thing. In my previous blog I described it like this, "When he'd walk in my front door, my mind would go quiet. I'd relax into his arms and my stress would disappear. But when he walked back out the next day, it all came rushing back in and it began to overwhelm me."

The night he came over, I had left the front door unlocked but I was in bed, all my clothes on, under a pile of blankets. I laid with my back to the door, watching a show on my laptop with my head phones on. I was trying not to overthink while I waited for him to arrive. I still wasn't sure that he was going to really show up. If he didn't, then I would have been right about him being just like other men. If he did, then I was sure that we were going to argue about something.

He walked in, came around the bed and and looked at me. He said, "So you really do like me?" He smiled, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I felt myself melt. That smile, makes my stomach do somersaults. When he stood back up, he said "You aren't getting rid of me that easily." He didn't have to say anything else. He didn't want to argue. He didn't want to tell me that my thoughts or feelings were wrong. He wasn't going to walk away because I let my anxiety drum up a bunch of ridiculous scenarios that pushed me over the edge. And just like that, I have a boyfriend.

We had an incredible night. We talked about a lot of things. He listened and answered my questions and shared with me. And even though it was really hard for me, I did the same. And I never shed a tear. We sat face to face and just talked through stuff that I had been holding in. I can't remember the last time I had a tough conversation and didn't cry. Sometimes I cry and don't even know why. But not with him. I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable with someone else. I am not sure I ever have. And the best thing happened, when he left I didn't immediately get overwhelmed with anxiety.

I will not let my emotional baggage and mental health struggles ruin this good thing for me. 

It took 4 days before my anxiety got the best of me this time. 4 whole days before I started to doubt myself and overthink everything. Some people won't think that is very good but I do! And even better, when the overthinking and doubt started, I didn't dump it on him. I talked it through with other people. I got their perspective on things and used it to quiet my mind. It wasn't perfect but it worked. This week, I only made it 2 days before my anxiety got the best of me. But I am coping with it. I am talking with my friends and working through my self-doubt. And next week I know it will be even better because I am not giving up.

I will not let my emotional baggage and mental health struggles ruin this good thing for me. 

Just because so many people in my past told me that I wasn't worth the effort, doesn't mean this man will feel that way. I know I am broken. I will always be broken. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to keep working to be the best version of myself that I can be and that someone won't want to be with me just the way I am.

I will not let my emotional baggage and mental health struggles ruin this good thing for me. 

The bottom line on this blog, whether I ask for your opinion or not, feel free to share it. But be prepared to discuss it. Because I will want to talk through it and understand your perspective even if I don't agree with it. If you are going to lay it on me, I am going to use it to better myself.