This blog will not be an easy read. There will be no spoons full of sugar to help this go down. It is brutally honest and I won't apologize for it. These are my thoughts and my feelings. They are valid. They are accurate. They are mine.
For some, this blog will hurt. It will tear apart your mind, leave scars on your heart and cause your soul to cry out in pain. For that, I apologize.
For some, this blog will feel like I crawled inside your mind and wrote down all your secrets.
I can't promise you that this blog has a happy ending. I can't promise you that when you get to the end that you will feel like it was worth your time. What I can promise is that what you will read is my truth.
If you aren't sure if you are ready for my truth, stop reading. There is no shame in believing what you think you know about me. I presented myself to you in a particular way because it was what I thought was most appropriate for the circumstances in which we met.
For those that choose to continue, I hope to see you on the other side. But I understand that I will lose some of you along the way. I am prepared for that. You should be too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a man a few months ago. We enjoyed spending time together. We provided each other with a bit of distraction from our regular lives. He didn't want to integrate his life into mine and I didn't feel the need to integrate into his. For a short period of time, we just enjoyed each other. There was even a moment in time that I thought that maybe he and I had a shot at something long term. But things changed.
I began to think about him more often when we weren't together. We started trying to see each other more than once a week. He started coming over earlier in the evening and we began getting to know each other better. Then I made a really big mistake. I began to tell people in my life about him. The moment I began to share him with other people, was the moment that things began to fall apart. I found myself censoring what I shared with them because I knew they wouldn't approve. And then I found myself expecting something different from him because I wanted more things to share with the people in my life.
He's not perfect. He's not even perfect for me. The realist in me knew that we would never work out long term because the idea of introducing him to my son gave me so much anxiety sometimes I would throw up. He's not the kind of man that I want my son to grow up to be. But he was the kind of man that I needed in my life right now. He's not a bad man. He's been single most of his life and is not looking to ever settle down.
When he was around, I felt better about myself than I have in a very long time; maybe ever. I felt needed. I felt wanted. I felt smart and funny and beautiful and appreciated. When he looked at me, I felt like the sexiest woman alive. When he pulled me close, I felt the whole world melt away. When he held me, I slept. I slept better than I have in years. Plus, when waking up next to him, my world seemed less awful.
When we were together, I was his everything but when we weren't, I was nothing to him. He just wanted to take things "one day at a time" and I can't handle "not knowing". When he'd walk in my front door, my mind would go quiet. I'd relax into his arms and my stress would disappear. But when he walked back out the next day, it all came rushing back in and it began to overwhelm me. We all have baggage from our past but my baggage wasn't just being dragged along behind me, it was blowing up in my face every time he walked out the door. I don't have to be someone's number 1 priority but I can't be an afterthought. I will never be in a relationship with someone like that ever again.
What would happen if I keep letting him come back... will I miss out on meeting someone that actually wants me to be part of their life? But if I don't let him come back, will I ever experience another moment of peace?
What would happen if I keep letting him come back... will he eventually get to know all of me and reject me anyway? If I don't let him come back, will it hurt less than when he rejects me later on?
What if I can't make him happy? What if he gets bored with me? What if I can't satisfy him? What if I am not enough? What if I am too much? What if I am too complicated? What if he never needs me the way that I need him? What if he doesn't want me the way that I want him? What if I really am just a distraction from his life? What if he never wants more? What if I am never a priority? What if I keep giving and he keeps taking and I end up empty, again? What if I let myself love again and when he breaks my heart, it kills me? Cause a person can only live through that so many times. Right?
And in true Amity fashion, I ruined it. My broken mind lost the battle with my lonely heart and I ruined it. Instead of enjoying a little bit of happiness in my life... Instead of accepting a few hours of peace each week as the gift that it was... Instead of taking it "one day at a time"... I ruined it.
My friends say I deserved better. My friends would say that I should have more respect for myself. My friends say that I need to love myself more before I can expect someone to love me. My friends say that some day I will find someone that will treat me right.
But none of those friends are here with me now. None of those friends can quiet the world, even for a few hours. None of those friends will hold me so that I can get a good night's sleep. In the last year, not a single one of these "friends" has even tried to prove that I am worth any effort at all. If people that claim to be my friends don't think I am worth the effort, why would I expect a potential mate to bother.
The answer is, that I don't expect it. Because I know I am not worth it. I am damaged goods. I am broken beyond repair. I add no real value to this world. I am only a place holder. I am just a body to be used and discarded. I am unloveable. I am a creature of habit and my habit is treating myself exactly the way other's do.
Now I know that you positive pennies and optimistic ninnies are already thinking about how you are going to reach out to me and you can just STOP right there. Don't do it. You are wasting your time; and mine. Do you honestly think that your words can undo a life time of experiences that showed me how true these statements are? They can't.
Actions speak so loud and words hurt too. They cut deep. They leave scars that most people cannot see. But you can't close a wound with a knife. You can't force people to swallow medicine they don't need.
I could tell you about my childhood. I could tell you about my adult life. I could tell you about my 2 failed marriages. I could tell you about 18 months of dating and constant rejection. I could try to explain to you why I know that I am not worth the effort but it wouldn't matter. What matters is that I am here, in this time and place, with these thoughts and feelings and you can't do anything about it.
If you are contemplating messaging me to "help me find Jesus", you can just STOP that too. No one will ever convince me that I should give "God" all the praise and not hold him accountable for all of the terrible things that happen in this world. To me, that would be like asking me to marry a man who beats me every day. Then telling me I shouldn't hold that against him because he provides a roof over my head. It just doesn't make sense.
I have talked to several friends over the last few months and tried to share my truth with them. None of them understand. And even though none of what I have written should surprise them, it still will. Because people hear what they want to hear. And no one wants to hear that someone has accepted that their life is meant to be awful.
I know they mean well. I tried to thank each of them for their concern. But they don't really understand. I know you mean well too, but stop trying to figure out how to fix me. What I really need is someone to understand that I am not fixable.
I need someone that can really listen without telling me that my thoughts and feelings are wrong. I need someone that can sit with me in my darkness and not try to drag me into the light. I need someone that sees my broken and isn't scared by it. I need a REAL friend.
There have been people that have come in and out of my life over the years that I have called friend. And they were what I needed at the time. They served a purpose in my life and I hope I helped them in theirs. But life long friends and life long relationships aren't something that I will ever have. I can't even stand to keep the same job more than a few years. I outgrow it. I get bored with it. I move on. I am the same with people. If you can't grow with me and also keep me on my toes, then I am moving on. It's part of my broken and I have accepted that; some of you should too.
For some, this blog will hurt. It will tear apart your mind, leave scars on your heart and cause your soul to cry out in pain. For that, I apologize.
For some, this blog will feel like I crawled inside your mind and wrote down all your secrets.
I can't promise you that this blog has a happy ending. I can't promise you that when you get to the end that you will feel like it was worth your time. What I can promise is that what you will read is my truth.
If you aren't sure if you are ready for my truth, stop reading. There is no shame in believing what you think you know about me. I presented myself to you in a particular way because it was what I thought was most appropriate for the circumstances in which we met.
For those that choose to continue, I hope to see you on the other side. But I understand that I will lose some of you along the way. I am prepared for that. You should be too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a man a few months ago. We enjoyed spending time together. We provided each other with a bit of distraction from our regular lives. He didn't want to integrate his life into mine and I didn't feel the need to integrate into his. For a short period of time, we just enjoyed each other. There was even a moment in time that I thought that maybe he and I had a shot at something long term. But things changed.
I began to think about him more often when we weren't together. We started trying to see each other more than once a week. He started coming over earlier in the evening and we began getting to know each other better. Then I made a really big mistake. I began to tell people in my life about him. The moment I began to share him with other people, was the moment that things began to fall apart. I found myself censoring what I shared with them because I knew they wouldn't approve. And then I found myself expecting something different from him because I wanted more things to share with the people in my life.
He's not perfect. He's not even perfect for me. The realist in me knew that we would never work out long term because the idea of introducing him to my son gave me so much anxiety sometimes I would throw up. He's not the kind of man that I want my son to grow up to be. But he was the kind of man that I needed in my life right now. He's not a bad man. He's been single most of his life and is not looking to ever settle down.
When he was around, I felt better about myself than I have in a very long time; maybe ever. I felt needed. I felt wanted. I felt smart and funny and beautiful and appreciated. When he looked at me, I felt like the sexiest woman alive. When he pulled me close, I felt the whole world melt away. When he held me, I slept. I slept better than I have in years. Plus, when waking up next to him, my world seemed less awful.
When we were together, I was his everything but when we weren't, I was nothing to him. He just wanted to take things "one day at a time" and I can't handle "not knowing". When he'd walk in my front door, my mind would go quiet. I'd relax into his arms and my stress would disappear. But when he walked back out the next day, it all came rushing back in and it began to overwhelm me. We all have baggage from our past but my baggage wasn't just being dragged along behind me, it was blowing up in my face every time he walked out the door. I don't have to be someone's number 1 priority but I can't be an afterthought. I will never be in a relationship with someone like that ever again.
What would happen if I keep letting him come back... will I miss out on meeting someone that actually wants me to be part of their life? But if I don't let him come back, will I ever experience another moment of peace?
What would happen if I keep letting him come back... will he eventually get to know all of me and reject me anyway? If I don't let him come back, will it hurt less than when he rejects me later on?
What if I can't make him happy? What if he gets bored with me? What if I can't satisfy him? What if I am not enough? What if I am too much? What if I am too complicated? What if he never needs me the way that I need him? What if he doesn't want me the way that I want him? What if I really am just a distraction from his life? What if he never wants more? What if I am never a priority? What if I keep giving and he keeps taking and I end up empty, again? What if I let myself love again and when he breaks my heart, it kills me? Cause a person can only live through that so many times. Right?
And in true Amity fashion, I ruined it. My broken mind lost the battle with my lonely heart and I ruined it. Instead of enjoying a little bit of happiness in my life... Instead of accepting a few hours of peace each week as the gift that it was... Instead of taking it "one day at a time"... I ruined it.
My friends say I deserved better. My friends would say that I should have more respect for myself. My friends say that I need to love myself more before I can expect someone to love me. My friends say that some day I will find someone that will treat me right.
But none of those friends are here with me now. None of those friends can quiet the world, even for a few hours. None of those friends will hold me so that I can get a good night's sleep. In the last year, not a single one of these "friends" has even tried to prove that I am worth any effort at all. If people that claim to be my friends don't think I am worth the effort, why would I expect a potential mate to bother.
The answer is, that I don't expect it. Because I know I am not worth it. I am damaged goods. I am broken beyond repair. I add no real value to this world. I am only a place holder. I am just a body to be used and discarded. I am unloveable. I am a creature of habit and my habit is treating myself exactly the way other's do.
Now I know that you positive pennies and optimistic ninnies are already thinking about how you are going to reach out to me and you can just STOP right there. Don't do it. You are wasting your time; and mine. Do you honestly think that your words can undo a life time of experiences that showed me how true these statements are? They can't.
Actions speak so loud and words hurt too. They cut deep. They leave scars that most people cannot see. But you can't close a wound with a knife. You can't force people to swallow medicine they don't need.
I could tell you about my childhood. I could tell you about my adult life. I could tell you about my 2 failed marriages. I could tell you about 18 months of dating and constant rejection. I could try to explain to you why I know that I am not worth the effort but it wouldn't matter. What matters is that I am here, in this time and place, with these thoughts and feelings and you can't do anything about it.
If you are contemplating messaging me to "help me find Jesus", you can just STOP that too. No one will ever convince me that I should give "God" all the praise and not hold him accountable for all of the terrible things that happen in this world. To me, that would be like asking me to marry a man who beats me every day. Then telling me I shouldn't hold that against him because he provides a roof over my head. It just doesn't make sense.
I have talked to several friends over the last few months and tried to share my truth with them. None of them understand. And even though none of what I have written should surprise them, it still will. Because people hear what they want to hear. And no one wants to hear that someone has accepted that their life is meant to be awful.
- One friend told me she understood because she felt this way once too but that it will get better.
- 30 years isn't a rough patch that is going to get better.
- This is my life. This is who I am.
- Another friend told me that I needed to see a therapist.
- I've had a lot of therapists over the years and none of them help.
- You can't be truly honest with them because the moment you tell them that you thought about driving off a bridge on your way to their office, they want to lock you away.
- You also can't tell them that if one more therapist tells you that happiness is a choice that you will probably stab them.
- If you can't be 100% honest, then you are wasting each other's time.
- Another friend told me I just needed to find the right medications.
- Trying out different medications is a roller coaster of crazy thoughts, insane emotions and overwhelming side effects that I don't need again.
- I don't have insurance. And I can't afford to keep paying a doctor to guess on meds.
- I cant afford to be out of work and I promise you, finding "the right meds" is a full time frigging job because in between appointments you are weening yourself off or slowing putting yourself onto different meds. During that time it takes all your effort not to listen to the voice inside your head telling you to just swallow all the pills in both bottles and put everyone out of their misery.
I know they mean well. I tried to thank each of them for their concern. But they don't really understand. I know you mean well too, but stop trying to figure out how to fix me. What I really need is someone to understand that I am not fixable.
I need someone that can really listen without telling me that my thoughts and feelings are wrong. I need someone that can sit with me in my darkness and not try to drag me into the light. I need someone that sees my broken and isn't scared by it. I need a REAL friend.
There have been people that have come in and out of my life over the years that I have called friend. And they were what I needed at the time. They served a purpose in my life and I hope I helped them in theirs. But life long friends and life long relationships aren't something that I will ever have. I can't even stand to keep the same job more than a few years. I outgrow it. I get bored with it. I move on. I am the same with people. If you can't grow with me and also keep me on my toes, then I am moving on. It's part of my broken and I have accepted that; some of you should too.
Comments
Post a Comment