Skip to main content

The Here and Now

The last few weeks have been a real eye opener about something that really challenges me: living in the here and now. I worry about the past repeating itself. I hope for an amazing future. But I cannot seem to just live today and be happy for what it is now. Most people who know me, think that I am either realistic or pessimistic. I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being overly optimistic.

Since meeting Mr. Perfect-for-Me, that has changed. I began to imagine my world getting brighter because I had figured out how to love again. I began to feel less alone and more accepted by someone than I ever have before. Then, I began to imagine what our future might hold. That wasn't my first mistake and it most certainly won't be my last. If nothing else, there is one constant in my life; I make a lot of mistakes.

Feeling this way and thinking this way, gave me the unrealistic expectation that maybe I had found someone I could spend a lifetime with. I forgot to consider whether it was what he wanted. I forgot to be realistic about my expectations for today because I was drunk on my imagined future.

Then I made another mistake. I confidently shared with him that I could imagine a forever with him. His response was honest and realistic. I wouldn't expect anything less from him. I let my hopes of the future color my judgement for today. So, when he said that he wasn't sure how long we'd last or how things would work out, it broke a small piece of my heart off. He admitted that he wasn't sure what the future held for us but he was open to whatever developed between us. 

In that moment, I realized that we were no where near the same place. He has said that he loved me. He has said that he really likes spending time with me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and we agreed we both wanted monogamy. He made those statements clearly. But somehow I felt like he was on the same page as me. Be he's not. He is in the here and now. I don't think that he can imagine a future with me at this point. I don't know what to do with that.

How do I convince myself to slow down and let him take the lead? How do I accept that we aren't in the same place? How do I live in the here and now? How do I learn to just enjoy today? How do I talk myself into backing down so that I don't completely push him away?

I don't know the right thing to do here is. But I hope that I can figure it out soon.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Attraction

Attraction is a complicated thing for me. Normally, I meet someone and as I get to know them, I find them more and more attractive. Because of this, I have dated all over the looks spectrum. Tall, short, big, small, dark, light, male, female, younger, older, etc. Maybe a handful of times, i have looked at someone that is so physically attractive to me, that I find myself staring.  More often than not, I date men. The reason for this is partially because of where I live. Another reason is that I find confidence very attractive and there is nothing more intimidating to me than a confident a woman.  The other night I was out at karaoke with friends. I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. I immediately turned my head in her direction to see what exactly caught my eye. I can't even begin to tell you what was being talked about at our table at that moment because all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. I spent the rest of the evening trying not to stare. I tried to pa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Perspective

I had an interesting conversation recently with Mr. Perfect-for-me. I asked him if he thought that we argued often. I’m not sure why this question popped into my head or why I let it slip out of my mouth, but once it was out, there was no taking it back. The specific details of the conversation don’t matter. However, I learned just how different our ideas were about what an “argument” looks like. It made me wonder about how others define “argument” and how they feel about arguing. When you Google “argument,” the definition you receive seems straightforward. However, differing life experiences can alter each person’s perspective of the same interaction. This results in us having very differing views on whether the interaction was a positive or negative one. I wonder how often this happens to other people. Not just in romantic relationships, but also in families, friendships, workplace relationships, and even when we are interacting with strangers. It is incredibly interesting to me ...
Post a Comment
Read more