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The Here and Now

The last few weeks have been a real eye opener about something that really challenges me: living in the here and now. I worry about the past repeating itself. I hope for an amazing future. But I cannot seem to just live today and be happy for what it is now. Most people who know me, think that I am either realistic or pessimistic. I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being overly optimistic.

Since meeting Mr. Perfect-for-Me, that has changed. I began to imagine my world getting brighter because I had figured out how to love again. I began to feel less alone and more accepted by someone than I ever have before. Then, I began to imagine what our future might hold. That wasn't my first mistake and it most certainly won't be my last. If nothing else, there is one constant in my life; I make a lot of mistakes.

Feeling this way and thinking this way, gave me the unrealistic expectation that maybe I had found someone I could spend a lifetime with. I forgot to consider whether it was what he wanted. I forgot to be realistic about my expectations for today because I was drunk on my imagined future.

Then I made another mistake. I confidently shared with him that I could imagine a forever with him. His response was honest and realistic. I wouldn't expect anything less from him. I let my hopes of the future color my judgement for today. So, when he said that he wasn't sure how long we'd last or how things would work out, it broke a small piece of my heart off. He admitted that he wasn't sure what the future held for us but he was open to whatever developed between us. 

In that moment, I realized that we were no where near the same place. He has said that he loved me. He has said that he really likes spending time with me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and we agreed we both wanted monogamy. He made those statements clearly. But somehow I felt like he was on the same page as me. Be he's not. He is in the here and now. I don't think that he can imagine a future with me at this point. I don't know what to do with that.

How do I convince myself to slow down and let him take the lead? How do I accept that we aren't in the same place? How do I live in the here and now? How do I learn to just enjoy today? How do I talk myself into backing down so that I don't completely push him away?

I don't know the right thing to do here is. But I hope that I can figure it out soon.

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