A Willingness to Grow

At 41 years of age, I haven’t really had that many relationships. I have spent a lot of my adult life married. As someone who has been divorced twice, I wouldn’t even think of suggesting that I have any real concrete advice for people about relationships.

What I can speak on, is knowing how to reflect on my past experiences, learn from them, and move forward to the next one. Sometimes people come into our lives for a short time. Sometimes they stay a long time. Occasionally you get lucky, and they stay forever. Being self-reflective, self-aware, and willing to change, are key to growing as a human being. If you aren’t willing to be all those things, then there is a high likelihood that you will move from one bad relationship to the next.

What I have learned over the years is that, if I don’t feel comfortable enough with someone to be completely open from the beginning, eventually I will be unhappy. I am a worrier. I overthink and tend to hesitate to communicate my own needs. I don’t want to be a bother to others. I am afraid that if it takes any amount of effort to be with me, then people will leave.

A few months ago, I decided that I was just going to be as honest and authentically me as I could muster. The next person I met was either going to love me or hate me. No more pretending to be something I’m not. No more apologizing for being me. Being vulnerable with a stranger is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But now that I have started, I can’t imagine how I will ever stop. The freedom to just be me feels so amazing. And to be accepted so completely makes me feel light as a feather.

I’m far from perfect. I struggle sometimes with the tougher stuff. I still stew a little too long on things because of my deep fear of being rejected. But I am going to continue to strive to be more upfront about my thoughts/feelings. People are going to love me for who I am, or they are going to find themselves out of my life. It feels good to finally be ok with that.

I am beyond lucky to have met someone that encourages me to share with him. And he shares with me. Communication is a two-way street, and we are both embracing it as much as possible. I don’t know if our connection is so strong because our communication is, or if our strong connection makes the communication easier. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. It just feels good to have both.

The other night we had a conversation that was hard for me. I had been stewing about something and it caused me to have trouble sleeping. Just 10-15 minutes after falling asleep, I awoke in a panic. It took me a few minutes to pull myself together. He asked me if I was ok. I rambled for a bit, and then he confessed that he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. So, I took a few deep breathes and began again but, this time, at the place where my anxiety really started.

Even as I tried to share all my thoughts and feelings, I was still afraid to be totally honest. We talked about what was upsetting me but what I really wanted to say was that my heart was bursting at the seams. How do you tell someone that you have only known for a very short time that you have somehow fallen head over heels in love with them? How do you express that they have turned your world upside down in the most beautiful way? How do you lay your fragile heart at their feet and have faith that they won’t break it?

Apparently, my dancing around the topic was more obvious than I thought. Because he beat me to it. And I am glad he did. I don’t know that I was ever going to get those words out. I don’t know if my heart can handle another break. Of course, never telling him wouldn’t save me the heartache if things don’t work out. My baggage was just weighing me down.

Almost everyone in my life has been telling me to slow down. They want me to put up my guard, to protect my heart. But that hasn’t worked out for me in the past. I knew my ex-wife for several years before we dated, and I still always left a few guards up. I left even more guards up with my ex-husband and even though that lasted a bit longer, it didn’t last. I can only pretend to be what they want for so long. I need to be free to be me. If am a not going to freely give my love, then my mind isn’t open either. For me, those 2 things are wired together. When one opens, so does the other.

I have done a lot of thinking about this over the last few weeks. From the moment that I met Mr. Perfect-for-Me, I have felt more like myself than I ever have with anyone else. Whether this lasts 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades or the rest of our lives, I am going to strive to enjoy every minute of it without worrying about the possibility of future heartache. We are going to move at a pace that works best for us and not worry about the rest of the world.

 

~Happy 1st Monthiversary to My Love~