New Lease, Same Life

Quite a few years ago, I wrote a blog post with this same title. Back then, I would crave misbehaving as a break from trying to keep it all together. I spent decades trying to be the “right” person. Mostly I just faked it and when I ran out of energy, the real me came exploding out into the world. I think that some people in my life back then didn’t like the real me very much. During the pandemic, I spent a lot of time alone. I know that many people did. But early on, I didn’t handle the alone time well. I really struggled to be alone with my own thoughts. I struggled to be nice to myself and I struggled to tell other people just how terrible I was feeling. I tried a few times to reach out to someone, but it was dismissed because “we are all struggling right now”. While I don’t doubt that statement, I do feel like those that said it to me really didn’t understand what I meant. Most of my life I have felt like people don’t understand me. For the most part, they don’t even realize they d...

The last few weeks have been a real eye opener about something that really challenges me: living in the here and now. I worry about the past repeating itself. I hope for an amazing future. But I cannot seem to just live today and be happy for what it is now. Most people who know me, think that I am either realistic or pessimistic. I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being overly optimistic. Since meeting Mr. Perfect-for-Me, that has changed. I began to imagine my world getting brighter because I had figured out how to love again. I began to feel less alone and more accepted by someone than I ever have before. Then, I began to imagine what our future might hold. That wasn't my first mistake and it most certainly won't be my last. If nothing else, there is one constant in my life; I make a lot of mistakes. Feeling this way and thinking this way, gave me the unrealistic expectation that maybe I had found someone I could spend a lifetime with. I forgot to consider wheth...

At 41 years of age, I haven’t really had that many relationships. I have spent a lot of my adult life married. As someone who has been divorced twice, I wouldn’t even think of suggesting that I have any real concrete advice for people about relationships. What I can speak on, is knowing how to reflect on my past experiences, learn from them, and move forward to the next one. Sometimes people come into our lives for a short time. Sometimes they stay a long time. Occasionally you get lucky, and they stay forever. Being self-reflective, self-aware, and willing to change, are key to growing as a human being. If you aren’t willing to be all those things, then there is a high likelihood that you will move from one bad relationship to the next. What I have learned over the years is that, if I don’t feel comfortable enough with someone to be completely open from the beginning, eventually I will be unhappy. I am a worrier. I overthink and tend to hesitate to communicate my own needs. I don’...