Skip to main content

Fighting with Myself for my Future

18 months ago, I decided to throttle way back on dating. I deleted all but 1 app. I barely looked at it and rarely got a match. When I did, it only took a few messages to see that we were not a good match. So, I had not been on a date for 18 months.

 

Last week, I was surprised to see a notification indicating I had a new match. I was quickly reminded about how nice it is to have someone to chat with about the simple things. It was rare for me to find someone I was even interested in getting to know. His profile did not contain any of the 3 things I absolutely hate: a picture of a dead fish, a picture of him on the top of a mountain, or the words, “Must Love Dogs”. That alone made him very appealing. But he is also cute, smart, and quirky. Plus, he made the effort to pick up the conversation each evening after work. It was refreshing to see someone put as much effort into getting to know each other as I was.

 

On Sunday, we had our first “date.” We spent 5 hours at the park talking. We walked a while. We sat for a while. And we talked and talked and talked some more. When we parted ways, he gave me a hug and said he wanted to see me again. And I was excited to see him again too.

 

On Monday, my brain began to overthink. My mind worked through a plethora of what-ifs and so many of them didn’t end well. My mind flooded with memories of all the bad dates I’ve had. Then it piled on the memories of great first dates that didn’t result in a second date. Then it reminded me that most people I have met really didn’t want a relationship; just sex. By 7pm, I was beyond anxious that I had already screwed things up because he hadn’t messaged me yet.

 

A friend reminded me that my mind wasn't alwaysmy best friend. That the what-ifs were just trying to keep me safe but that playing it safe wasn’t necessarily going to get me what I want. So, I messaged him. We messaged back and forth for 2 hours. We both confessed to having insecurities about different aspects of dating. It felt good to be so honest. It felt good to be heard. And it felt VERY good to be reassured that he was very much looking forward to seeing me again.

 

I don’t expect my mind to stop being my enemy during this process but what I realized is that I must be honest with him every time I’m feeling anxious or insecure. He is the only one that can help me through that right now. And if he decides it is more than he can handle, then I’ll deal with the fall out then. If I don’t give him the opportunity to get to know all of me, how can I expect him to accept, and fall in love with, all of me?

 

Besides, we started a book club. We’ll have to keep seeing each other until we finish the book.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gender Neutral Bathrooms

As the world continues to argue about whether it is necessary to have private bathrooms or gender neutral bathrooms in public places, people want to argue that we should keep things the same and everyone should use the bathroom for the sex listed on their birth certificate. They forget that people like me exist. When I'm out in public and need to use the bathroom, I have to decide whether I'm going to take a chance that I might upset the people in the men's bathroom or the women's bathroom.  I know that strangers are often confused about my gender.  Having lived as a feminine woman for many years, I'm very aware of how nervous women get around men they dont know, especially in spaces they arent expecting to see them.  I'm also aware that if a man is uncomfortable with me being in a space he feels is for "men only" that there is a chance that I will be assaulted.  What is more important, the discomfort of women or my own safety? You might be...
Post a Comment
Read more

It Takes a Village

Family can be defined so many ways. When you Google it, you get a wide range of definitions that are inclusive of that fact that way families look has changed over the years. Here are some of them: a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. all the descendants of a common ancestor. a group of people united in criminal activity. a group of related things. a group of curves or surfaces obtained by varying the value of a constant in the equation generating them. designed to be suitable for children as well as adults In my life, family has always been a complicated thing. There were the people I was related to by blood. The people I was related to by marriage. The people I am related to by law. The people I choose to have in my life. In the last few years, my family has changed significantly, and for the better. Today is National Step Family Day. Although my son doesn't officially have any step parents, he is lucky to have 2 wonderful people in his lif...
Post a Comment
Read more

Attraction

Attraction is a complicated thing for me. Normally, I meet someone and as I get to know them, I find them more and more attractive. Because of this, I have dated all over the looks spectrum. Tall, short, big, small, dark, light, male, female, younger, older, etc. Maybe a handful of times, i have looked at someone that is so physically attractive to me, that I find myself staring.  More often than not, I date men. The reason for this is partially because of where I live. Another reason is that I find confidence very attractive and there is nothing more intimidating to me than a confident a woman.  The other night I was out at karaoke with friends. I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. I immediately turned my head in her direction to see what exactly caught my eye. I can't even begin to tell you what was being talked about at our table at that moment because all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. I spent the rest of the evening trying not to stare. I tried to pa...
Post a Comment
Read more