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Fighting with Myself for my Future

18 months ago, I decided to throttle way back on dating. I deleted all but 1 app. I barely looked at it and rarely got a match. When I did, it only took a few messages to see that we were not a good match. So, I had not been on a date for 18 months.

 

Last week, I was surprised to see a notification indicating I had a new match. I was quickly reminded about how nice it is to have someone to chat with about the simple things. It was rare for me to find someone I was even interested in getting to know. His profile did not contain any of the 3 things I absolutely hate: a picture of a dead fish, a picture of him on the top of a mountain, or the words, “Must Love Dogs”. That alone made him very appealing. But he is also cute, smart, and quirky. Plus, he made the effort to pick up the conversation each evening after work. It was refreshing to see someone put as much effort into getting to know each other as I was.

 

On Sunday, we had our first “date.” We spent 5 hours at the park talking. We walked a while. We sat for a while. And we talked and talked and talked some more. When we parted ways, he gave me a hug and said he wanted to see me again. And I was excited to see him again too.

 

On Monday, my brain began to overthink. My mind worked through a plethora of what-ifs and so many of them didn’t end well. My mind flooded with memories of all the bad dates I’ve had. Then it piled on the memories of great first dates that didn’t result in a second date. Then it reminded me that most people I have met really didn’t want a relationship; just sex. By 7pm, I was beyond anxious that I had already screwed things up because he hadn’t messaged me yet.

 

A friend reminded me that my mind wasn't alwaysmy best friend. That the what-ifs were just trying to keep me safe but that playing it safe wasn’t necessarily going to get me what I want. So, I messaged him. We messaged back and forth for 2 hours. We both confessed to having insecurities about different aspects of dating. It felt good to be so honest. It felt good to be heard. And it felt VERY good to be reassured that he was very much looking forward to seeing me again.

 

I don’t expect my mind to stop being my enemy during this process but what I realized is that I must be honest with him every time I’m feeling anxious or insecure. He is the only one that can help me through that right now. And if he decides it is more than he can handle, then I’ll deal with the fall out then. If I don’t give him the opportunity to get to know all of me, how can I expect him to accept, and fall in love with, all of me?

 

Besides, we started a book club. We’ll have to keep seeing each other until we finish the book.



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