Attraction

Attraction comes in several varieties and sizes. It can be difficult to say which is more important. Talking with other single people my age, the consensus seems to be that physical attraction is less important than emotional and intellectual attraction. However, dating apps have taken over as the primary way to meet people and therefore, physical attractiveness tends to be the first thing that gets evaluated.

Throughout my life, I have been told quite often that I am not attractive enough. The gentlest souls tell me that I have a pretty face or nice eyes, but that my weight makes me unattractive. There have also been a lot of people that find my weight to be one of the most appealing things about me. 

When I was in my teens, my father informed me that no man would ever love a fat girl. And he never really did love me. So how was I supposed to know if he was right or wrong. And the boys at school picked on the chubby girl. And magazines and movies showed women that looked much different than me. And when you plant this kind of idea into a child’s head, it roots itself in the deepest darkest crevices of their mind and I am not sure there is a way to ever really get it out.

 

My own personal experience says there is no way that doesn’t haunt you for your entire life. It impacts how you feel about yourself and how you think other people feel about you. You seek out validation that you are worthy of love. Then you doubt that its real when you are presented with evidence that you are in fact loveable. At different times in my life, I have found that I could chip away at small pieces of this poisonous thing but it never made a big enough difference.

It messes with your self-confidence. It messes with your self-worth. It messes with how your brain processes other people’s perceptions of you. It will completely take over, and probably ruin every relationship, or potential relationship, if you let it. I have struggled with how to fight back against the intrusive thoughts that poison my mind. I have found little things that help take the edge off but have never found a real cure. I have regularly struggled with needing to be found VERY physically attractive by my partners while also not feeling like they are ONLY attracted to my body.

Mr. Perfect-for-Me and I had a tough discussion about this last night. As I told him, I don’t want there to be secrets. I don’t want there to be misunderstandings because one of us made assumptions based on past experiences. He is not like anyone else I have ever met, and I am working hard not to hold their mistakes against him. I do have to be very careful to only ask questions that I genuinely want to know the answer. I don’t want him to sugar coat it. I don’t want him to only tell me half of it. If I ask the question, I want a clear, honest answer.

Last night I revealed my insecurities surrounding my body shape and my concern that he might not find me physically attractive. His answer was not what I was hoping to hear but it was honest. He knew there was a chance that I would walk away when he told me because we had discussed how this mattered to me. And he told me anyway because the strong connection that we have developed so quickly is built on trust and a willingness to be vulnerable.

I’m not going to lie. I was not happy to hear his honest answer. But I am glad that we discussed it. Because it was good to be able to talk through it together. To hear each other’s perspectives on the importance on physical, intellectual, and emotional attraction. It is just another moment between us that reaffirmed for me that we are so good for each other. And if I am being completely honest with myself, there probably isn’t a perfectly right thing that he could have said in that moment.

 

I am confident that if this discussion had happened with anyone else, I would be writing a sad blog today about how disappointing it is to have failed at finding love again. Instead, I am writing about how this heavy baggage that I have been carrying around for 25+ years feels a little lighter today. I don’t expect that I will ever be able to put this bag down and walk away but I do think that I have gained another tool in my arsenal to protect myself from the poison that seeps out of it.

 

As of this writing, I have approximately 53 hours until I see him again. I am excited and nervous and feeling more than a little bit impatient. I would like to feel his arms around me to reassure me that things are going to be just fine. But until then, I am going to have faith that it will be because I am confident that we can work through anything together.