Keep Some Things To Yourself

A few weeks ago, I wrote this first portion of my blog. But I actually fell asleep before finishing it. I was typing it on my cell phone and it was a painfully slow process. I have thought a lot about this particular topic and decided it was time to finish it up and post it. I could have just started over but I think that this short story is a good example of why I need to write this.

        As I type, I am laying in his bed, listening to the sound of his snoring. I'm not irritated by it but I don't think it's cute. Not even a little. Although, the longer I listen, the more I find the rhythm of it a bit soothing. You see, he doesn't always snore. He's not usually even sleeping at this hour. But he worked hard today in the heat. And yesterday he worked hard in the heat and the day before that he did the same. That's his life. He's a hard working man and I appreciate that about him.

        What I appreciate even more, is that even though he has been working long hours in the heat this week, he knew I really wanted to see him. So at 8:30, I left my house and an hour later, I arrived at his place. He was already in bed but he was awake and waiting for me. As I walked into his room, I kicked off my shoes and dropped my purse on the floor. He smiled at me and opened his arms. I crawled into them and it felt like the world stopped.

Before I go any further, I wanted to say that I realize that in my last blog, I told people I wanted to hear their opinions. I do genuinely enjoy hearing other people's perspectives on things. I love discussing differing opinions and on most topics I am open minded enough to consider that maybe my opinion may not be the best one. But that doesn't mean I wanted you guys to rain all over my parade. Also, there is a difference between expressing concern for someone you care about and shitting on everything good in their life because you don't understand.

During my blog writing process, there is a lot of crying, thinking, typing, reading, crying, deleting, typing some more, more thinking and before I finally publish there is usually more crying. This blog won't be any different. This is truly about processing for me. I know I have talked about that before but in case you are new to my blog, know that this is my own version of therapy. If you feel the need to talk to me about what you've read here, please be kind. My heart is always a little tender and bruises easily.

2 weeks ago, when I started this blog, I was smiling. I was happy. I was thinking about my past and my present and my future. I was realizing that this was the happiest I had been in years and as I began my blog that night, the tears I was shedding were tears of joy. Tonight, as I contemplate how this blog will end, my heart is hurting and my head is aching and my eyes are blurred by tears of sadness. 

I have been trying to finish this blog for days and I just can't. I know that means that I am still processing my thoughts and feelings on this topic. I know that it means that I am not ready to truly put it down in words and move forward. So this blog may not be like the others. It may be more of the beginning and maybe even the middle, but it won't be the end because I don't know how this is going to end.

A few days ago, I laid in my own bed and watched this man as he was sleeping. I had woken before the alarm and he was still asleep. His back was to me and I stared at it; his beautifully tanned skin; his thick dark hair; those strong arms that I love to feel holding me. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I want to make sure he was real but I wasn't ready for him to wake up. I wanted a little more time to think and to feel before my world started turning again. 

The night before we had a wonderful time together. There were several moments when the words "I love you." almost slipped out of my mouth. Each and every time I was surprised at how easily it bubbled to the surface and how hard it was to keep it in. In that quiet morning light, I was feeling it with every fiber of my being and as it washed over me, tears began to silently slip down my cheeks. Eventually, I had to stifled a sob and roll over. I turned my back to him as I buried my face in a pillow. I gave in for just a moment. Then I took a few deep breathes and pulled myself back together.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, thinking about my life. Thinking about where I had gone so wrong and whether there would ever be a way for me to get it right. I am not sure how long I stared at the ceiling before the alarm went off. I don't think it was very long. I rolled over to turn it off. I felt him moving next to me. He asked what time it was and like that, my feelings had to be put away and my day started.

I talked about those feelings later with a friend. He told me I should let it out. He told me that I didn't need to wait for someone else to say it first. I understand why he thinks that and mostly I agree. But I am still not sure of these feelings. Once you say something like that, you can't unsay it. And I want to really be sure that I am prepared for whatever happens when I do.

Right now, I suspect we are in very different places in our relationship. I have been moving towards this since our first amazing moments together. He spent our first 3 months just taking things "one day at a time." I feel like I ended up his girlfriend by default. When we became boyfriend/girlfriend he said something like, "We've been seeing each other for 3 months, so of course you are my girlfriend." Its not exactly the romance that girls dream of, but it was enough for me. I was just happy to be moving in a forward direction with him because I don't do well feeling stuck in place.

The other reason that I don't want to tell him is because I am not ready to lose him just yet. When we are together he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He's just so very good to me. Dating after leaving my husband was brutal and I am not in a hurry to get back out there. Plus, I really do love so many things about him and I have accepted most of the things about him that I don't love. What is most important to me right now is that I love the way I FEEL when we are together. Right now, my world is a better place with him in it and I don't want to scare him off. 

Besides, I am still not sure how long this will last. We are such different people. We have different expectations of what a relationship should look like. The level of importance that we have assigned each other isn't the same. He isn't my number one priority. For example, my son and my family are a higher priority than he is. However, I think I am last on his list of priorities and that you'll find my name just after fishing. I'm not saying that is wrong at this point in our short relationship. I am just not sure when that will change.

Some of you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "Girl, you deserve better." 

There are 2 problems with that. One is that I think I am last on his list but I don't really know. Two is that I don't think that I deserve better. 

In my life, I have been rejected by the people that should have loved me the most. Just last year I was rejected by hundreds of strangers. I have been rejected by dozens more that fall somewhere between those 2 ends of that spectrum. If you know math like I do, then you know the common denominator in all those equations is me. How can a few hundred people be wrong? There is most definitely something wrong with me.

The most awful thing about me is my inability to stop thinking. Just about everything in my life requires TONS of thinking. Decisions are the worst. What are my options? What are the consequences or rewards for each option? Who else is impacted by this decision? How will this decision impact them? Is the impact good or bad? Do I need to ask their opinion? How much weight does their opinion have in this particular decision? Is their input helpful or harmful to my decision making process? Am I willing to deal with the fall out of not asking their opinion before making the decision? Am I willing to deal with the fall out of asking them but not choosing what they wanted? 

Imagine how exhausting it is to just get through an average day when questions like that are constantly rolling around in your head. What do you want for breakfast is complicated when you have to run down this list of questions. 

Now imagine adding someone new into that scenario. You used to only have to think of yourself for some decisions that now require input from someone else. You didn't used to worry about someone else opinion on things in general. What would you like for dinner? Which side of the bed do you prefer? What kind of music do you want to listen to? What temperature do you like your environment? How many pillows do you use? Am I a good kisser? Is the bed to hard or too soft? Are there too many blankets or not enough? Do you sleep with the fan on? Should I wash the dishes right this minute or wait till later? Are you sure dinner was ok? Do you like my hair? What's for breakfast? Need me to pick anything up at the store? I am almost out of shampoo, want me to buy a different kind from now on? Is my laundry soap ok? Do you like the way I dress? Do I make you happy? Do I add value to your life? Do you care about me? Am I just convenient? 

I spend 5-6 days a week wondering which of these things I should ask him first. I spend 1-2 days a week forgetting to ask because most of the time when he is here, my brain actually takes a break. He is a beautiful distraction from the insanity of my mind. Right now, I would do almost anything to keep that.

*****He doesn't know about my blog. I don't share it with him. I will some day but today I am not ready. If you know him, please don't send this to him. Let me have a little time to figure out my thoughts and feelings before I have to talk about them, out loud, with him, face to face. After all, this is my life to screw up. I don't need your help to do that. Thank you.*****