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Missed Connections

Throughout my life, people have come and gone. Some people have stayed for just a few hours and others for years. I think this is common for all people. I've heard people tell stories about a stranger they met that said just the right thing at the right time and it changed them forever.

How long someone is in our life doesn't dictate how big of an impact they will have on us. It certainly doesn't determine how we will feel about them.

I have been accused on more than one occasion of caring too much for people too quickly. I put that in the box I label, "Thanks for stating the obvious." This particular trait has been a curse and a blessing in my life. It helps me to "walk in someone else's shoes" and to understand them on a deeper level. It also means that I care deeply about people as soon as a connection is made.

Over the last year and a half, I moved out of my ex-husbands house, moved into a friend's basement, moved into my own tiny apartment, and then purchased my own home and moved there. Around all this moving, I started a new job, went through a divorce, took college classes, and went on a lot of dates. I tried to keep my life very busy so that I never really had time to think too long about anything.

I am my own enemy when I am alone. When I am with others, I gather ammunition to use against myself when I am alone. Staying too busy to think, was my defense against this ongoing battle with myself. However, staying too busy has also caused me to make decisions too quickly and I have recently discovered several instances where this has caused me to miss some really great opportunities to make connections.

This past weekend, I spent time with a man from my recent past. I don't know exactly how long it had been since we had seen each other. Last summer, maybe fall. I know we stopped talking a few months ago when he wanted to date and I wasn't ready for that. And since then, I have missed him a lot. However, I never told him that.

Why don't we tell people how we feel? Why don't we tell people what we are thinking? Why couldn't I tell him that when he came over this weekend, that pressing my lips to his felt like a jolt of electricity to my soul. That when we fell asleep that night, with his body next to mine, I slept better than I had in months. My spirit was calm and my body finally rested.

I awoke the next day and found myself ready to be with him in a way that I wasn't ready for a few months ago. He is no longer in a place in his life where he wants a relationship with me. Our timing is so awful. Did we miss an opportunity to really connect? Or was this just a passing connection? Was this meant to remind me that I need to be more aware of how other's make me feel? I'm not sure which it is but in time I hope to have a better perspective.

Over the last few weeks, while I have been practicing social distancing, I had already begun to think about other times in my life where I made quick decisions about whether to keep people in my life or not. Had I missed other opportunities for a connection? Had I severed connections prematurely? Were there bad connections I was keeping just because I didn't want to do the work needed to move on from them?

The answer is "most definitely, yes" to all of these questions. There I said it. Now what?

Now, I start the process of severing the bad connections. I begin to look at the connections I severed in the past and decide if there is any reason to repair them. If I believe there is, then I will need to find a way to try and reach out to those people to see if they would like to work to reconnect.

Most importantly, I will need to slow down a bit and spend time thinking before making decisions. Also, I am going to need to be more gentle with myself, more understanding of my own baggage, and continue to work at falling in love with the person I have become.

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