When I spend time with people, I constantly feel like I have to present a specific version of myself.
There are so many parts of my life that I hide from others. I have so many secrets that I feel that I have to keep. These secrets are part of who I am. These things that happened in my life brought me to where I am today. As I begin to explain just how much of a perplexing contradiction my thoughts are, some of you will learn things about me that you never knew. Others will learn just how comfortable I really am with them because very little, if any, of this will come as a surprise to them.
My suicide attempt is one of those big secrets. Lots of people knew that I had gone through a really rough time in my life. I am not sure how many people suspected it, or how many people just wondered if I contemplated it. Until recently, I had only admitted that I attempted suicide to 3 people.
Before I go any further, I want to make sure to say that just because a lot of this blog may be a surprise to you, doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means that I love you so much that I can't imagine not having you in my life. It means that I am not willing to risk losing you just so that I can be 100% me all the time.
A Perplexing Contradiction. That's what I titled this blog. Why? Because so many of my thoughts and feelings and actions are contradictions and it is truly perplexing (especially to me).
Many, many years ago, I worked in customer service in a call center for a cell phone company. During the initial training, my team gave each other nicknames. We even had shirts made up with our nicknames on them. Mine was Eeyore. People who know me will probably chuckle at that because it is a pretty accurate description of how people see me. Wikipedia says he is "pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, anhedonic, ..."
I think that the reason why people think this about me is partly due to their own perspectives. It also has to do with the language that I chose to use for a lot of years. For example, people consider me pessimistic and I consider myself realistic. This article helped me to understand that when I talked with people, it seemed as though I was expecting the worst all the time. When in my mind, I was trying to plan for all the outcomes.
Here is a scenario:
The Realist (me) discovers there is a problem and shares concerns with an Optimist. The Optimist (many people in my life) suggests the first solution that comes to mind. Realist thinks of, and advises on, all of the reasons why that solution might not work. Optimist is irritated because Realist doubts their recommended solution. Realist is irritated with Optimist because Optimist can only see best case scenario and Realist wants to take some time to plan for ALL scenarios. Optimist thinks Realist is a Pessimist. Realist thinks Optimist is naive.
Rinse and repeat for almost every relationship I have ever had; friends, family and lovers.
Many people that I have had these conversations with are reading this and wondering why I think that I am a Realist and not a Pessimist. This article and this article helped me to see that I am a little of both.
If you ask me to tell you about my happiest memories, I have a hard time thinking of any. If you ask me to tell you about my proudest accomplishments, I have a hard time thinking of any. If you asked me for important dates in my life, I could list several of them easily. Ask for a few details about each and a pattern emerges.
Can you see it? Did you see what happened? Sometimes we just have to find the right question. When I am going through a rough patch, questions about happiness are lost on me. I am just surviving. Sometimes my mood is more pessimistic than is good for me.
Just remember, deep down, while I am planning for the worst, I am hoping for the best.
There are so many parts of my life that I hide from others. I have so many secrets that I feel that I have to keep. These secrets are part of who I am. These things that happened in my life brought me to where I am today. As I begin to explain just how much of a perplexing contradiction my thoughts are, some of you will learn things about me that you never knew. Others will learn just how comfortable I really am with them because very little, if any, of this will come as a surprise to them.
My suicide attempt is one of those big secrets. Lots of people knew that I had gone through a really rough time in my life. I am not sure how many people suspected it, or how many people just wondered if I contemplated it. Until recently, I had only admitted that I attempted suicide to 3 people.
Before I go any further, I want to make sure to say that just because a lot of this blog may be a surprise to you, doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means that I love you so much that I can't imagine not having you in my life. It means that I am not willing to risk losing you just so that I can be 100% me all the time.
A Perplexing Contradiction. That's what I titled this blog. Why? Because so many of my thoughts and feelings and actions are contradictions and it is truly perplexing (especially to me).
Many, many years ago, I worked in customer service in a call center for a cell phone company. During the initial training, my team gave each other nicknames. We even had shirts made up with our nicknames on them. Mine was Eeyore. People who know me will probably chuckle at that because it is a pretty accurate description of how people see me. Wikipedia says he is "pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, anhedonic, ..."
I think that the reason why people think this about me is partly due to their own perspectives. It also has to do with the language that I chose to use for a lot of years. For example, people consider me pessimistic and I consider myself realistic. This article helped me to understand that when I talked with people, it seemed as though I was expecting the worst all the time. When in my mind, I was trying to plan for all the outcomes.
Here is a scenario:
The Realist (me) discovers there is a problem and shares concerns with an Optimist. The Optimist (many people in my life) suggests the first solution that comes to mind. Realist thinks of, and advises on, all of the reasons why that solution might not work. Optimist is irritated because Realist doubts their recommended solution. Realist is irritated with Optimist because Optimist can only see best case scenario and Realist wants to take some time to plan for ALL scenarios. Optimist thinks Realist is a Pessimist. Realist thinks Optimist is naive.
Rinse and repeat for almost every relationship I have ever had; friends, family and lovers.
Many people that I have had these conversations with are reading this and wondering why I think that I am a Realist and not a Pessimist. This article and this article helped me to see that I am a little of both.
If you ask me to tell you about my happiest memories, I have a hard time thinking of any. If you ask me to tell you about my proudest accomplishments, I have a hard time thinking of any. If you asked me for important dates in my life, I could list several of them easily. Ask for a few details about each and a pattern emerges.
- March 17. This was the day my niece was born. The very first moment I saw her I was in love. That was the day I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom. When each of my nephews was born, I was made more certain that there was no greater love in this world. My nephew's birthdays are all important to me but in an effort to keep this reasonable in length I am not listing ALL of them.
- August 11. On this day, I lost my virginity. I won't give you any details but this was a big deal for me. Not in the way that most people would think. It helped me to be able to more openly communicate about sex. It helped me to be more confident in myself as a woman.
- May 1. The day I said I do to my best friend. I shared all of myself with her and she loved me anyway. She knew all of my ups and downs, and loved me anyway. To this day, she knows me better than most and is there for me when no one else even knows I need help.
- March 20. The day I said I do to the sweetest man I had ever met. I thought that love was something you only really got one shot at but this man proved me wrong. He showed me how to love again.
- August 2. The day I had gastric bypass surgery. This was the beginning of the journey to getting my life back. No more getting worn out doing every day things!
- October 31. The day my first baby was due. When I got married the second time, we decided not to have children. The universe had other plans for us. Although we never got to hold this baby, I will always consider him my first miracle.
- March 31. The day my second baby was due to be born. Another baby that I never got to hold but I loved her from the first moment I knew she was there inside me. She was proof that there was reason to have hope that some day I would hold a baby in my arms.
- July 19. The day my son was born. My rainbow. My love. My reason for living. Watching him grow has been an amazing adventure and I am looking forward to a whole lot more chapters.
- April 12. The day I signed up to sell jewelry through a direct sales company. This was a time in my life that I desperately needed to find something that was just mine. I needed to be reminded that I was more than just someone's wife or just someone's mother. I wanted to be a strong, independent woman.
- March 5. The day I signed the paperwork for my house. Becoming a home owner was something I wasn't sure if I would be able to do on my own. It was a very bumpy road but well-worth it. The first time I was in the house alone, I laid down on the living room floor, looked up at the ceiling and cried. I was home.
Can you see it? Did you see what happened? Sometimes we just have to find the right question. When I am going through a rough patch, questions about happiness are lost on me. I am just surviving. Sometimes my mood is more pessimistic than is good for me.
Just remember, deep down, while I am planning for the worst, I am hoping for the best.
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