I have always been a bit of a crier. I have a tendency to cry when frustrated or angry or overwhelmed. Occasionally, I have cried for happy reasons but, more often than not, its for sad reasons.
In the last few years, I have done a lot of crying. I cried as I mourned the loss of my marriage. I cried in frustration when the world kept pulling me down. I cried in anger as my life spiraled out of control. I cried as I begged the universe to please just give me a reprieve from the constant rejection from other human beings.
Just before Christmas, I was given a gift in a most unexpected way. I was given a new friend. And to throw me for a real loop, its a man. The people that really know me, know that the idea of me being JUST friends with a man is not an easy thing. And to be honest, it wasn't an easy thing for me in the beginning. But lucky for me, he put up with my crap while I dealt with my issues and we're still friends.
Up until I met this man, I had been going on at least 1 date a week for almost a year. It was killing me on the inside but sitting home alone seemed so much worse than the constant rejection I was getting from dating. Spending time with him gave me something to do besides either of those things.
I spent almost all of December, January and February not dating. There were a few guys that I still chatted with online but I didn't push to meet them. When looking over profiles in dating apps, I found myself being more particular. I began thinking more clearly about what it is that I was looking for. My self-esteem began to rebound and my mental state improved significantly.
I think I went on 2 dates during this time frame. Neither was particularly good but they weren't awful. And in the end both of those men decided they didn't want to see me again. I am not going to try to pretend like it didn't sting a little. It certainly did but it was much easier to handle because I was feeling so much better about myself and my life.
Just about a month ago, I was feeling good and decided to check to see if there were any new profiles available. I had decided what I was looking for. I felt like I had a solid check list containing required items, preferred items and most importantly, items that were absolutely not acceptable.
Before looking at the new profiles, I took a minute to look over the messages in my inbox. There was one in particular that caught my eye. We had sent a few witty remarks back and forth but it had stopped as quickly as it started. I looked over his profile again and was just as interested as I had been when I originally read it. So I took a chance and sent a wink. A few hours later he responded and things picked up where we had left off.
I didn't know it that day but it didn't take long for me to realize the universe had sent me another gift. Over the past few months I hadn't really had many reasons to cry. Life was good but it was about to get better. We spent a lot of time texting back and forth each day. I quickly realized that our lives had a lot of similarities. I immediately felt a connection and that helped me to be myself.
When I first meet new people, I usually present a milder version of myself. I know that I have a strong personality and its not for everyone. I used to just put it all out there but realized that it often pushed people away before they could really get to know me. So, I had learned to temper myself for general consumption.
This man didn't need me to be a milder version of myself. He recently, described me as being like "a Kia Soul. Fun. Quirky. Useful. Colorful." When I asked him what he meant by useful he said, "like in talking to you, I find you know all the things and have a remarkable amount of emotional intelligence." He also reminds me that I shouldn't have to "dial it back" or "be less me" for people to like me.
When he came into my life, the crying started again. Almost every day, I would cry because of something that he said. I have never shed so many happy tears in my entire life as I have in the last month. Talking with him was like standing in front of a mirror that only shows you all the best parts of yourself. Even when we talked about the hard stuff in both our lives, his perspective helped me to see things in a way I never had before.
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea here, this isn't a love story. He and I are friends. Is that incredibly difficult for me? Hell yes it is. He checks every item on the list and even had me adding some things to the list that I never even thought of. We had one date and there just weren't fireworks for him. I accept that. He is a good man and I am lucky to call him my friend.
A few days ago, I made the decision to stop talking to him. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. But I was so overwhelmed with emotions every time we talked. My head was spinning. I couldn't tell what I was really feeling. I couldn't think clearly about what it was that I wanted. When I told him, he made me cry one more time. He was respectful and gentle and kind.
Last night, we texted each other for just a couple minutes. Checking in with each other the way friends should during these difficult times. Then we said good night. This morning I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My mind was clear for the first time in weeks. As I began to get ready for the day, my mind began to fill in the gaps for me.
I thought that I was falling in love with him and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. So, I had put our friendship on hold. What I realized this morning, was that I wasn't falling in love with him. I had been falling in love with me. He had been reminding me of all the things that make me so unique. He reminded me that I couldn't love someone else if I didn't first love myself.
Tonight, as I type this blog, I am feeling incredibly blessed. The universe has brought me 2 new friends. One helped to stop the tears of despair and the other one jump started the cleansing tears. I hope that I can return the favor in some way, some day.
I almost feel a little bad for any man that decides he wants to be in my life. My standards have been raised; the bar is set high. I deserve the best this universe has to offer and I will accept nothing less.
In the last few years, I have done a lot of crying. I cried as I mourned the loss of my marriage. I cried in frustration when the world kept pulling me down. I cried in anger as my life spiraled out of control. I cried as I begged the universe to please just give me a reprieve from the constant rejection from other human beings.
Just before Christmas, I was given a gift in a most unexpected way. I was given a new friend. And to throw me for a real loop, its a man. The people that really know me, know that the idea of me being JUST friends with a man is not an easy thing. And to be honest, it wasn't an easy thing for me in the beginning. But lucky for me, he put up with my crap while I dealt with my issues and we're still friends.
Up until I met this man, I had been going on at least 1 date a week for almost a year. It was killing me on the inside but sitting home alone seemed so much worse than the constant rejection I was getting from dating. Spending time with him gave me something to do besides either of those things.
I spent almost all of December, January and February not dating. There were a few guys that I still chatted with online but I didn't push to meet them. When looking over profiles in dating apps, I found myself being more particular. I began thinking more clearly about what it is that I was looking for. My self-esteem began to rebound and my mental state improved significantly.
I think I went on 2 dates during this time frame. Neither was particularly good but they weren't awful. And in the end both of those men decided they didn't want to see me again. I am not going to try to pretend like it didn't sting a little. It certainly did but it was much easier to handle because I was feeling so much better about myself and my life.
Just about a month ago, I was feeling good and decided to check to see if there were any new profiles available. I had decided what I was looking for. I felt like I had a solid check list containing required items, preferred items and most importantly, items that were absolutely not acceptable.
Before looking at the new profiles, I took a minute to look over the messages in my inbox. There was one in particular that caught my eye. We had sent a few witty remarks back and forth but it had stopped as quickly as it started. I looked over his profile again and was just as interested as I had been when I originally read it. So I took a chance and sent a wink. A few hours later he responded and things picked up where we had left off.
I didn't know it that day but it didn't take long for me to realize the universe had sent me another gift. Over the past few months I hadn't really had many reasons to cry. Life was good but it was about to get better. We spent a lot of time texting back and forth each day. I quickly realized that our lives had a lot of similarities. I immediately felt a connection and that helped me to be myself.
When I first meet new people, I usually present a milder version of myself. I know that I have a strong personality and its not for everyone. I used to just put it all out there but realized that it often pushed people away before they could really get to know me. So, I had learned to temper myself for general consumption.
When he came into my life, the crying started again. Almost every day, I would cry because of something that he said. I have never shed so many happy tears in my entire life as I have in the last month. Talking with him was like standing in front of a mirror that only shows you all the best parts of yourself. Even when we talked about the hard stuff in both our lives, his perspective helped me to see things in a way I never had before.
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea here, this isn't a love story. He and I are friends. Is that incredibly difficult for me? Hell yes it is. He checks every item on the list and even had me adding some things to the list that I never even thought of. We had one date and there just weren't fireworks for him. I accept that. He is a good man and I am lucky to call him my friend.
A few days ago, I made the decision to stop talking to him. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. But I was so overwhelmed with emotions every time we talked. My head was spinning. I couldn't tell what I was really feeling. I couldn't think clearly about what it was that I wanted. When I told him, he made me cry one more time. He was respectful and gentle and kind.
Last night, we texted each other for just a couple minutes. Checking in with each other the way friends should during these difficult times. Then we said good night. This morning I woke up feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My mind was clear for the first time in weeks. As I began to get ready for the day, my mind began to fill in the gaps for me.
I thought that I was falling in love with him and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. So, I had put our friendship on hold. What I realized this morning, was that I wasn't falling in love with him. I had been falling in love with me. He had been reminding me of all the things that make me so unique. He reminded me that I couldn't love someone else if I didn't first love myself.
Tonight, as I type this blog, I am feeling incredibly blessed. The universe has brought me 2 new friends. One helped to stop the tears of despair and the other one jump started the cleansing tears. I hope that I can return the favor in some way, some day.
I almost feel a little bad for any man that decides he wants to be in my life. My standards have been raised; the bar is set high. I deserve the best this universe has to offer and I will accept nothing less.
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