Social Distancing is Killing Me

I recently started taking a class online. Its a free class offered by Yale. I watched the introduction to the course and the first lecture. I have taken a few online quizzes that they recommend. The results were not shocking. One quiz told me that I am unhappy. Another agreed with that assessment. The third quiz advised me that one of my greatest strengths is that I love to learn new things.

Both of those things are true. Now, what do I do with that information.

This class is supposed to be about the Science of Happiness. I understand science enough to know that the first 2 quizzes were a way to set a baseline. We will take these again at the end and see if we are happier after taking the course.

My innate curiosity has me wondering just how this Yale professor thinks she is going to teach me how to be happier in 10 weeks. More importantly, I am curious as to whether it will actually help me in the long run.

Most people that know me, think I am a happy person. They think that I am positive and energetic and helpful and supportive. They aren't wrong but they aren't right. I am positive, energetic, helpful and supportive of others. But I am not happy.

• I do not see positives in my own life.
• I do not have the energy to do more than just get out of bed most days.
• I cannot seem to help myself to overcome this.
• I constantly doubt every action I take, every word I say, and every decision I make.

Earlier today I was texting with a friend and he referenced Voltaire quotes. I had a general idea of who Voltaire was but couldn't say for sure. So I googled him. One of the first quotes I saw was “We are rarely proud when we are alone.” This quote stayed with me through out the day. 

We are currently living in a time when we are spending a lot of time "sheltering in place". For some people, that means spending more time with their family. For other people, that means spending more time alone. For me, I have my son a few days a week but a few days each week I am alone.

These days alone would be considered a gift by some people. For me, it is torture. It gives me too much time to think, to ponder my every life decision. I genuinely feel as though I have never made a good decision in my life. I accept that some things have turned out "Okay" despite the decision I made but mostly I have stumbled through life making one bad decision after another.

I have now spent enough time alone, dwelling on these things, that even when I am communicating with someone else, I cannot stop thinking about it. When I am supposed to be working, my mind is wandering back to my seemingly endless failures. When I am supposed to be cooking or cleaning, I am distracted to a point where productivity is almost non-existent.

Realistically, I can see that some of my decisions might have been bad timing and other decisions I was required to make were a lessor of 2 bad situations. But ultimately, I am the common denominator in each and every decision that I have made and therefore, I believe I am the reason for the bad outcome.

Today, Voltaire's quote kept coming back to me. “We are rarely proud when we are alone.” Read it again. “We are rarely proud when we are alone.” A few hours ago, I remembered something from that first week's lecture; the GI Joe Fallacy: knowing is not half the battle.

I am still not sure what to do with this information. I KNOW that I am not good for myself when I am alone. I know that I cannot see the good in my own life but instead brood over all my life's failures. I know I need people in my life that can keep reminding me of the positive things that are going on around me.

However, spending time with our people is exactly what I cannot do right now. So, I am going to keep pushing my way through this course and hope that I learn new information or skills to help get me through. What other choice do I have?